Hawaii nice, but true gift time with family

January 20, 2008

My mother-in-law turned 80 last April and called everyone in our family to state her birthday gift: a trip to Hawaii that she was giving herself.

She added that she was taking all of us with her, on a seven-day cruise of the Hawaiian islands. On Dec. 21, 17 of us boarded the Pride of America to embark on the trip of a lifetime.

My mother-in-law, her four children, their four spouses, five of the children's children, one spouse of one child, and two of the children's children's children went on the trip. What a spectrum of family!

Ages 7 to 80 were represented in the four generations, and a variety of customs, likes, dislikes, and conversations were added in the mix. It was a rainbow of the usual joy, calamity, fun and exhaustion of family gatherings.

We all participated in the nightly family dinners in one of the ship's many dining rooms. There we gathered to share our daily Hawaiian adventures. Some family members went on a catamaran to snorkel, others rode all-terrain vehicles in a muddy rain forest. Some went touring volcanoes and craters or swimming with dolphins, while others stayed on the boat relaxing by the pool, ordering piña coladas.

I learned about my 20-year old nephew's college/job aspirations and was wowed by his intelligence. Meeting another nephew's new wife, talking about the house the newlyweds recently bought, and hearing about their plans for making it environmentally sound made a long car ride interesting.

Walking around the deck with my sister-in-law, talking about our daily lives now that our children are older, reminded me why I am blessed to have entered this family.

Best of all were the days when my husband, my mother-in-law, and whoever else wanted a spot in our rental car, toured the coastal land of Hawaii's beautiful islands, stopping for a piece of pineapple or a cup of kona. We chatted about our lives and admired the scenery, enjoying one another's company.

I'm grateful that my mother-in-law gave us all a large piece of her birthday cake.

It is so rare for families to come together at all -- much less for an extended period of time. Without the meals, rides and talks, I wouldn't have any of the details of my extended family's life.

I thank my mother-in-law for sharing the spectrum of all of us and recommend that other families find ways to spend time with their extended families.

Approach Christmas with a grateful heart

December 9, 2007

After 26 hours of driving, pounds of food and many laughs, my family and I returned gratefully from visiting family in upstate New York for Thanksgiving.

When we went around the Thanksgiving table and stated what filled us with gratitude, my mother said, "I'm just happy to be here."

Because she was diagnosed with cancer in June, this pronouncement was indeed profound. We were all happy that she and everyone else around the table were there.

Gratitude at its starkest starts with "being." That we are human is unconsciously attached to our being and is the problem with gratitude. We should be glad to be alive and part of the human race, but often we are not.

For example, this past week there was an e-mail in my work inbox inviting all employees to a wellness seminar to cope with holiday stress. If the holidays are a time for family interaction, spiritual rededication and joyful gift-giving, why are we stressed? Shouldn't we be grateful for all that we are and delighted that the holidays give us time off to remember one another and reconnect with those who make us feel human?

This year, two of my children are in college, and the third is a senior in high school. Each is employed part-time and suffering economic doldrums. When my eldest daughter sent me a text message and asked what my husband and I wanted for Christmas, I wrote back, "You're broke. Make a card. Write a poem. Send a picture. Don't buy any presents." My daughter called me later that night and agreed but said it would be a strange Christmas without the usual pile of gifts under the tree.

Luckily for her, I didn't go into a "being there" lecture. I reminded her that this was our gift to one another and that change is a good thing.

Then I started to plot. Certainly some inexpensive "stocking stuffers" was OK under this arrangement. Santa was coming down the chimney no matter our decision. I arranged my schedule and schemed time to get to particular stores on sale days. Soon I needed the wellness seminar to lighten the anxiety I felt about getting this all done. Any feeling of gratitude about all of us being together again was gone.

I'm going to take my mom's sage advice this Christmas. I'll be happy to be here with my family. I will host my annual Christmas cookie baking party for all the cul-de-sac kids and drive around the neighborhood to look at decorations. But that's it. In the peace of gratitude, all I want for Christmas is thankful presence.

Let's cuddle up to accepting others

Sun, Oct. 28, 2007

The air has finally cooled. My son asked where his flannel sheets were and said he welcomed "snuggle time."

We're big snugglers in this house, so I joined in his excitement. As we rooted out the sheets, he said, "People here use the word cuddle instead of snuggle. I like snuggle better."

I had never thought about these word differences. I noticed a variety of Southern/Northern dissimilarities when we first moved to the South. Most noticeable were Southern accents and different food and beverage choices such as grits and sweet tea.

In some instances, I had to work against prejudices I had about Southern traits. I didn't know I had them until I moved to Charlotte.

For example, I had an unconscious belief that strong, twangy accents represented ignorance. Years of watching shows such as the "Beverly Hillbillies" and seeing cartoon representations of "barefoot and pregnant" Southerners had rooted inside me in a prejudicial way.

It wasn't until these notions reared their ugly selves that I had to recognize them and dispel their mythology. Luckily for me, I was raised in a home where cultural stereotypes were always discussed when they popped up and talked about for what they were -- overly simplified and often harmful ideas.

When I looked up the definitions of snuggle and cuddle, I found that they were almost the same. The major differences were in their verb types and how they were used.

Often, the very stereotypes that cause hatred and prejudice are the very words or ideas that are not that different.

I am glad my son is aware of his surroundings and notices the diverse ways people use words. I'm also pleased he decides what to use in his own language.

Most important, I'm proud he doesn't judge someone for saying cuddle instead of snuggle. He notes the distinction and chooses to say "snuggle."

Pausing to understand cultural differences and accept them as only that -- different -- would help solve many of the misunderstandings between people who, in their humanity, are more alike than different.

Remembering the Scents of Fall Keeps Me Cool

August 26, 2007

I started teaching again this week and took my son back-to-school shopping.

These are two signs in my family that fall is arriving. However, it's hard to think fall when summer days are broiling, and our windows are closed to keep air conditioning inside.

It wasn't until I decided to change the aroma of my air-conditioned home that the scent of fall came to me. I went to buy a candle, and I took the lid off one called apple pie. Cinnamon, apples and sugar wafted up my nose, and Thanksgiving was in the air. Ninety-eight degrees were eradicated in one sniff.

It didn't stop there. I thought about raking leaves and the dank, earthy smell of leaf piles. Next, carving pumpkins and scooping out their pungent orange innards floated across my nostrils.

Then the taste of spicy salsa and guacamole to go with chips at a Panthers football party made my mouth water, and I wondered where my long-sleeved Panthers shirt has been hiding since last fall.

I made my way to the check-out counter with my apple pie candle and was asked twice to pay. I was stuck on the odor of the vanilla I put in the icing recipe for sugar cookies at Christmas time.

Bill paid, candle dangling at my side in a plastic bag, I made my way out of the mall. I looked through the glass exit doors and was shocked to see no snow. At that thought, the fragrance of hot chocolate came out of nowhere, and I turned to see who was drinking it. I suddenly realized it was August, and no one was fool enough to drink anything hot.

When I opened the door to leave the mall, I remained strong. I tried to ignore the blistering air by thinking about cool apple cider. I pulled the candle from my bag and took off the lid for a long sniff of apple pie. I walked swiftly to my car and turned on the air conditioner, strengthened by the scent of fall and knowing that summer would be over soon.

Once the air in the car cooled to the point that I could breathe and think clearly, I considered how powerful smells are. Our memories are a strong factor in what makes us who we are. Smells are some of our most influential memory sources.

As a trace of burning leaves and November campfires came to my mind, I realized how much the fragrance of fall had imprinted on me. I knew it was close to time to put away my shorts and pull out my corduroys, and I couldn't wait to get home and light up my apple pie candle.

Thank goodness for the scent of fall.

Through Blood, Sweat, Tears... and Cheers

At 54, I've reclaimed my body, and I'm now training for a triathlon

August 19, 2007

A bottle of Berry Propel Fitness Water is on the desk next to me. I have just completed a 19-mile bike ride followed by a three-mile run. It took me 1 hour and 40 minutes, but I did it.

Thank goodness for my iPod. If I had to hear my labored huffing and puffing, I'd stop after several minutes.

At 54, I'm not horrendously out of shape. However, up until 2 1/2 months ago, I never entertained the idea of running any kind of distance. I guess I hoped I could run out of a burning house to push someone out of harm's way, but I never thought to put on a pair of running shoes, decide on a distance, and try to run it.

Although I participated in sports as a kid and have had my fair share of going back to the gym after holiday indulgences, I've never been one of those people who really enjoy working out. The blood, sweat and tears of it all never appealed to me. As soon as physical exertion became that -- exertion -- I stopped. I didn't have an internal challenge button when my muscles began to burn.

I had no idea that this summer was about to change my relationship to physical activity.

First of all, I moved into a teaching position, so I have the summer off. I have free time. Second, my two college-age daughters are doing jobs and internships out of Charlotte, and my son has spent most of his summer away at basketball tournaments and camps.

Those two events alone might have moved me into a semi-midlife predicament, but then I met a personal fitness trainer while volunteering.

Fitness trainer Emily Knudson (Empowered Personal Fitness) needed a kayak for a triathlon for which she was training. I had a kayak collecting dust in the basement, testament to my inactive life. In exchange for using the kayak, Emily offered to give me personal fitness sessions. Since I thought that only movie stars and famous singers were fortunate enough to have trainers, I knew I had won the lottery.

I had also won the right to sweat and burn in places that I didn't know existed on my body. Working out with Emily was a rude awakening to how out of shape I had become. It was also the beginning of reclaiming my body and parts of myself I had forgotten over years of work and raising a family.

Emily started me out slowly, but relentlessly added minutes to my runs, and strength and repetition to my exercises. Most importantly, she encouraged me. When she said I could do a 5K run, she meant it and convinced me of it, too. I worked out four times a week, once with her and three times with the exercise plan she gave me.

I did my first 5K on June 30, at the YMCA. I ran the race with two of my son's friends. Needless to say, they had to wait for me at the finish line. But I was happy to finish and didn't come in last. I not only enjoyed the race but found new energy and pride in the achievement, and I fit back into clothes that were ready to take to Goodwill.

It wasn't long after I met Emily that I heard the University City YMCA was hosting an eight-week triathlon class. In all honesty, I had no intention of doing a triathlon in my lifetime. I could barely say the word, much less spell it.

I figured triathlons were for the hard-core and crazy fitness buffs who weren't remotely like me, but I had gotten used to encouragement from a trainer, and when the training exchange ended, I wanted to continue with others. I knew that left on my own, I would stop exercising.

I joined the class and attended the first six weeks of the twice-weekly instruction and workout class. Six weeks later, I know I can finish the Lake Norman Sprint Triathlon (half-mile swim, 16.8-mile bike ride and 3.2 mile run) on Aug. 25. Through the encouragement of Pam Sardinia, a fitness trainer and teacher of the triathlon class at the YMCA, and the rest of the class, I'm continuing to enjoy physical activity.

I know that my life is changing. My children will be gone soon, and if I continue to teach, my summers will be free. That gives me a good deal of time for myself, and I am glad that I have included physical activity as part of how I use it.

I feel great, and I know that my children and my husband are very proud of me. I have a new group of friends at the YMCA and do not wonder how to spend time when more of it is mine.

There will always be blood, sweat, and tears with any new steps, but the rewards from them are great.

Best Part Of Back Porch Is Viewing The Visitors

July 30, 2007

When we moved to Charlotte four years ago, we debated whether to live in the heart of the city or in the country.

We were thrilled to find the best of both worlds: We live in the University City area and jump on Interstate 85 to theaters, restaurants and sport events in 15 to 20 minutes, and still feel we live in the country because there are trees and wildlife.

We picked a home in the older section of Highland Creek, in large measure for the screened porch in the back of the house. Sitting on the porch feels like sitting in a tree house.

It didn't take us long to lure the birds singing in the trees closer to our home. We hung three birdfeeders and one suet feeder off the back of the house, in front of floor-to-ceiling windows. We hung a hummingbird feeder on the side of the screened porch.

Now we live in an aviary.

After researching what kinds of birds populate North Carolina, we bought black sunflower seed and thistle to feed the local birds. American goldfinches, house finches, purple finches, evening grosbeaks, pine siskins and song sparrows like thistle. Northern cardinals, blue jays, tufted titmouses, Carolina chickadees and red-breasted nuthatches like black sunflower seeds.

We feed a large number of Carolina wrens and a variety of woodpeckers with suet: hairy woodpeckers, downy woodpeckers, red-bellied woodpeckers and red-headed woodpeckers.

Ruby-throated hummingbirds like the hummingbird feeder. (Boil 1 cup of water and stir in 1⁄2 cup of sugar to make hummingbird nectar.)

Once our family got involved in feeding birds, I set out to learn more about them. I bought the National Audubon Society Field Guide to Birds Eastern Region and placed it on the coffee table, close to the bird feeders.

I researched them online and found out about the Great Backyard Bird Count sponsored by the Cornell Lab of Ornithology. Every year people all over the world count birds anywhere over a four-day period, counting birds of each species seen together at any one time. They submit a checklist online to the Great Backyard Bird Count site.

I took a cup of coffee and the newspaper to the family room on a Saturday and Sunday morning last spring and counted birds. Over two days, 17 species came to our feeders.

As of March 5, participants had submitted 80,744 checklists documenting 11,066,350 birds of 629 species, according to the Great Backyard Bird Count site.

The next thing I did was read about N.C. plants that attract birds and butterflies. I went to the UNC Charlotte Botanical Garden plant sale last October. Larry Mellichamp, the garden director, guided me to buy native plants such as honeysuckle, coneflowers, bee balm and butterfly bush to keep the birds and butterflies happy.

I also urged everyone in the family to pay attention to the feeders. This spring, my husband asked me what kind of bird was eating sunflower seed. I looked at the feeder and saw a bird with brilliant black, white and red on its chest.

I flipped through the Field Guide and found that it was a rose-breasted grosbeak. He was migrating and stayed in our backyard for three days.

It felt as though we had provided a short bed and breakfast stay for him, and I hope he'll find his way back to the inn on his way home.

Era Of Entrepreneur Is Here

July 22, 2007

I grew up in a family whose members worked for people other than for themselves.

Jobs, careers and monthly salaries came from corporations or institutions. No one in my family tree started a business -- small or large.

I was the kid who helped with lemonade and cookie stands in the neighborhood; it was not my idea to start them. Surprise and awe, therefore, were my reaction when I started dating my now husband, visiting him at the fine woodworking shop he owned, eating at his brother's restaurant, and listening to the tales from my brother-in-law's consulting jobs as a fire inspector.

My children grew up in a dual universe -- around people who worked for themselves and those who worked for others.

My eldest daughter babysat for years, saved her money, and bought a seemingly suspect -- yet affordable -- thoroughbred when she was 16 years old. She broke him to ride, trained him in dressage and jumping, and showed him in eventing. When she went to college, she sold him for eight times the amount for which she bought him.

Again, surprise and awe were my reaction. In my 54 years on Earth, I had never done such a thing; she accomplished this by age 21.

My son started buying candy in bulk at BJs when he was in middle school and sold it for profit in the neighborhood. Every Sunday night, we drove to BJs for the weekly stash. He made flyers and learned how to change his prices when competitors undercut his. His bank account grew, and he bought different items such as T-shirts and other gear, turning better and better profits.

He learned how to advertise to his friends via the Internet, set up and track matters on a spreadsheet, and manage a bank account.

I am glad that my children grew up knowing they have choices for their professional lives and can take their own ideas and turn them into realities. This is the lay of the job land now -- flexibility, ingenuity, and change -- and seeing a variety of career paths is important for children as they grow up.

I have learned a good deal from my husband and children about entrepreneurship.

A writer my entire life, I'm beginning to reap small economic rewards for the words I put on paper. Who knows -- next tax season, I might need a tax accountant to file the fees I collect from a variety of my entrepreneurial jobs. Then again, I could just ask my husband, daughter, or son.

I’ve Learned How to Beat, Embrace Heat

June 24, 2007

I grew up in upstate New York and have lived in the Northeast most of my life. Three summers ago, my family and I moved to Charlotte in July. 

I thought I had landed into a drought or heat wave of Biblical proportions. I figured it would pass quickly; I was wrong. Summers in Charlotte take a lot of getting used to for Northerners, along with a good deal of living in air conditioning and planning cool escapes. 

There are ways to beat Charlotte’s heat. One easy way is to get out of it. It is only 1 ½ hours to the mountains, and the air is cool there.  We spend at least one weekend a summer in the Blue Ridge Mountains, in order to enjoy the cool evenings and lack of humidity. 

Another type of heat escape is to embrace it fully and go to the beach. Again, Charlotte’s location is wonderful for beach trips, just 3 ½ hours away. 

Another way our family survives the summer is by spending time at our neighborhood pool. I love to swim laps, and my son loves to splash and hang out with his friends. My husband is not a pool guy, but he loves the quiet and cool of the house when the rest of the family makes its noise elsewhere. 

There’s also iced lattes at Dilworth Coffee (Prosperity Church Road) and Caribou Coffee( Mallard Creek Road). There I indulge in iced, carmel, coffee wonders. A trip or four or five to Cold Stone Creamery (Mallard Creek Road) is another reward for surviving a hot, Charlotte day.

As for avoiding a large water bill while trying to keep the summer garden looking presentable, there is another University City treasure that does the trick. Buying native North Carolina perennials at the University of North Carolina Botanical Garden sale in October or March, I’ve converted my plants into ones that can sustain the blistering sun of Charlotte. 

During my first Charlotte summer, I went to the local garden stand and bought plants to spruce up my garden. Little did I know that the pretty colored bloomers were water-guzzling maniacs. I learned my lesson; after one or two years of good watering, native plants stand the heat on their own. This allows me to stand my water bill.

There are many free concerts, movies, library visits, and other events that can take one’s mind off of the summer heat. They are typically listed in the Entertainment section of the Charlotte Observer and events in University City are posted in this section of the paper. 

When you start to feel as though your skin is boiled and no amount of air conditioning is going to lower the heat of your blood, you know you’ve experienced a summer day in Charlotte. If you have any additional cool ideas, please send them to me. Together we’ll survive the heat of a Southern summer. 

Teens, Summer and Rites of Passage

June 10, 2007

High School is winding down, and those of us with teenagers in our homes are excited about not waking up in the dark but anxious about teens with too much time on their hands. 

Summer for teens is a land full of milestones—small and large, good and bad—for both teens and their parents. My next-door neighbor told me that her pre-teen son was not signing up for the library reading program this year. The look of sorrow on her face reminded me how I felt when my kids no longer wanted to enroll in arts and crafts camps. 

This rite of pre-teen passage moves them into the middle zone of teen summers when they’re too old to attend camps and too young to get jobs in them. That’s when we cajole them into taking a course or two in science or writing and get them to volunteer at nursing homes or community centers.  We’re lucky if we have a pool nearby, and we have flextime to check in on them and make certain they’re not getting into trouble. 

If your teen is an athlete, teenage summers are a time to get ready to open the wallet. Teens in a variety of sports travel to tournaments and team camps, and the teens usually don’t have jobs that are lucrative enough to help pay the expense. 

Even if they could get good jobs, the practice and game time limits the number of hours they can work. It is exciting for the teenagers, and we love watching our teens’ games. However, when did we all stop going to the corner lot to have local tournaments? 

Another summer milestone for teenagers is finding a job. My oldest daughter was a good babysitter, and she has made that skill into lucrative employment for the past six years. Babysitting is a good starter job because it is flexible, and teens can be young when they begin. 

The next level of job is usually a lifeguard, camp counselor, grocery store or fast food employee. Following that, teens can work at malls. My seventeen year old awaits hearing from employers at a variety of stores. Ten applications are in to date, and no word has been received. These jobs are likely given to eighteen year olds and above. 

This is another teenage summer passage—it is not always easy to find a job. It is not fun to be penniless in the summer when there is free time to hang with the gang. This is one of those teen milestones that is a lesson learned for the teen and a “that’s life’s reality” comment from parents. 

Although we aren’t in the thick of it this summer, we have spent previous summers helping our teenagers get drivers’ licenses. This is a tougher rite of passage for parents than teenagers because we worry about our children on the road, and we know that this is the end of an era of shared car time. 

As much as I complained about being a “soccer mom,” I certainly miss the conversations I had with my kids on the way to practices, events, and meetings. Last night my son and I went out to dinner, just to catch up in the midst of busy lives. 

Summer milestones for teenagers bring new freedoms, joys, and responsibilities for both teens and parents. For every event that takes place, something is replaced. 

As a good friend of mine once said, for every letting go, there is a grieving for something lost—even if that something lost is wonderful. The wonderful rites of summer passage for teenagers are memorable and, as with everything in life, inevitable.  

Saving Money and Energy, Isn’t Difficult

May 30, 2007

This past month, our family’s University City’s electricity bill came in the mail with a $95 credit. In today’s standard energy bill increase, this was a welcome surprise. The reason for the credit is directly linked to two of the three major energy improvements our family made this year.

First, we replaced all of our traditional light bulbs (incandescent lamps) with Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs or CFLs. CFLS fit into the same place as incandescent lamps, but they use less energy. Although they cost more on initial purchase, they last longer, and recoup their cost in energy reduction. These reductions are good for our family’s pocket book and the planet’s health. 

According to Energy Star, a joint program of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency and the U.S. Department of Energy: 

If every American home replaced just one light bulb with an Energy Star qualified bulb, we would save enough energy to light more than 3 million homes for a year, more than $600 million in annual energy costs, and prevent greenhouse gases equivalent to the emissions of more than 800,000 cars.  HYPERLINK "http://www.energystar.gov/index.cfm?c=cfls.pr_cfls" http://www.energystar.gov/index.cfm?c=cfls.pr_cfls

The second energy money saver that took place in our home this year was installing a Whole House Fan. This project was more costly and labor intensive than twisting out light bulbs. The Whole House Fan was installed through the attic, and it cost $700. The United States Department of Energy Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy (EERE) discusses how the fan works, “It draws cool outdoor air inside through open windows and exhausting hot room air through the attic to the outside. The result is excellent ventilation, lower indoor temperatures, and improved evaporative cooling.”  HYPERLINK "http://www.eere.energy.gov/buildings/info/homes/wholehousefan.html" http://www.eere.energy.gov/buildings/info/homes/wholehousefan.html 

We love using the Whole House Fan because we’re not trapped, closed up inside, with all our windows closed. We turn the fan on as the evening cools and a gentle, cool air flows across the house. Even though we have a 2,500 square foot home, we only have one heating/cooling zone. The Whole House Fan has helped cool down the upstairs because it gets rid of the hot air trapped at the top of the house. If a family elects to use a Whole House Fan as a supplement to air-conditioning, it will still help with saving both energy and the environment.

As with the Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs, savings with the Whole House Fan are seen over the long run. The Department of Engergy’s Office of EERE analyzes the savings:

 

Operating a properly sized 2-ton, 10 SEER air conditioner in Atlanta, Georgia costs over $250 per cooling season (1250 hours), based on 8.5¢/kwh, or roughly 20¢ per hour of runtime. A large 18,000 Btu/hr window unit air conditioner with a 6 EER costs more than 25¢ to operate for one hour.

By contrast, the whole house fan has a motor in the 1/4 to 1/2 hp range, uses between 120 to 600 watts, and costs around 1¢-5¢ per hour of use. http://www.eere.energy.gov/buildings/info/homes/wholehousefan.html

The last energy savings we have improved is our recycling. We built a platform for the recycle bins outside our garage door, next to the kitchen. In addition, we put our garbage can in the basement, challenging ourselves to one or maybe two bags of trash per week. We usually come in with one bag, and that’s with feeding and entertaining a large group of teenage boys every week. All of the teenagers know where to recycle their waste and participate in our quest to put little into Charlotte landfills. We are saving tax dollars by being good citizens of recycling. 

Our family has been inconvenienced little by our small attempts to save money and the environment. All of us in University City should plan how to put money back into our pockets while saving the planet. 

Volunteering, A Gift For You From You

May 27, 2007

Public radio station WFAE-FM ( 90.7) hosted its Volunteer Appreciation gathering Sunday.

It is good to be recognized, but the small amount of time I spent working the phones and stuffing envelopes in the WFAE University City office had already been rewarded. Volunteering always gives back as much -- and usually more -- than it gives out.

One of the first times I volunteered at WFAE, I talked to another volunteer about our children. The volunteer's daughter is a fitness trainer and training for a triathlon with a kayaking segment.

Our conversation turned to kayaks, and I offered mine for her daughter's use. My husband and I are kayakers with many excuses as to why we don't put our kayak into water.

Now the kayak is being used, and the daughter has given me a series of fitness consultations. I have wanted to talk with a trainer for some time, but the money, time or inspiration never lined up properly.

Thanks to my volunteering, I was rewarded greatly.

Two years ago, my daughter and I participated in a Women's Build with Habitat for Humanity. I went to experience Habitat's work, and my daughter went to fill her résumé for college applications.

Neither one of these were stellar reasons for volunteering, but the magic of volunteering took place nonetheless. We were in the phase of stressful teenage daughter/mother relations, and the Saturdays we hammered at something other than one another were a joyous relief. Our Habitat days were wonderful.

In the novel "Pay It Forward" by Catherine Ryan Hyde, the character Trevor explains his notion of volunteering, his "pay it forward" concept:

"You see, I do something real good for three people. And then when they ask how they can pay it back, I say they have to Pay It Forward. To three more people. Each. So nine people get helped. Then those people have to do twenty-seven. Then it sort of spreads out, see. To eighty-one. Then two hundred forty-three. Then seven hundred twenty-nine. Then two thousand, one hundred eighty-seven. See how big it gets?"

Volunteering is paying it forward. As Trevor would say, it does "spread out and get big."

Since the estimated population in University City is 200,000, do the math. It would take only one volunteer act from each resident to produce a tremendous amount of good works to improve life in University City.

Each participant would get more than he or she gave out. Volunteering is one of the best bargains in life.

On the Web

www.payitforwardfoundation.org

Learn How to Cope with Fear, Danger

April 22, 2007

In the fall of 2005, my then seventeen-year-old daughter was a junior at North Mecklenburg High School. 

We had moved to Charlotte a year before, and she was feeling settled with new friends. One of those friends was killed that fall, by a gun. We spent a good deal of time talking about “bad things happening to good people,” and the lack of care taken with guns. 

In the spring, another of my daughter’s good friends was killed in a car wreck; I had no words for my daughter at that point. She created her own, writing poems remembering her two friends and sharing them with her friends’ families. 

The following summer, my then twenty-year-old daughter was invited to go to London with a family, to be a nanny. It was an all expenses paid plus salary trip, and it would be my daughter’s first time abroad. 

One week before she was to fly to Europe, the London tube was bombed. She called me from college and told me that she was afraid to go. I told her that it was a troubled world, and she would always have to be aware of her safety. 

I also told her that our family was not going to live a fearful life; we would continue going places, doing things, all the while respecting the constraints post 9/11 had imposed on us all. My daughter went to England and had a wonderful time.

This week, one of my seventeen-year-old son’s classmates at North Mecklenburg High School shot and killed himself. This event followed the massacre of 33 people at Virginia Technical University. 

My son was concerned for his classmate, the students and teachers at Virginia Tech, and for all the families impacted by this tragedy. He was also concerned about the image his school must have in the University City Area and the larger Charlotte Community. 

In the midst of all of this pain and sorrow, my son wanted everyone to know that his school is a good place, a place where some tragic events occur and many good actions take place as well.

I listened closely to National Public Radio this week to make sense of the tragedies that occurred. Dr. Joshua Sparrow, a child psychologist and author, discussed on April 20, 2007 what a college student should do in response to encountering “somebody who seems clearly mentally unhinged.” Dr. Sparrows states, “The answer is not to be paralyzed by fear, in the sense of not being able to do anything and to carefully analyze what it is within your grasp to do--and to be sure to do that.” 

I experienced sorrow and tragedy as an adolescent, but not in the global, continual, deathly way that our children and adolescents now face, all too often.  Luckily, they have help and advice like Dr. Sparrows’ available to them. 

May we all decide not to be paralyzed by fear, analyze what it is we can do, and take positive action to reach out to those in need. If we take caring and heroic steps in the face of tragedy, we can create powerful images and actions to counter the fears and horrors that enter our communities. 

Experiencing a Life Transition

It is the season of endings and beginnings. Daylights savings time, spring, and baseball are all here. Basketball season is over. 

For this University City resident, that thought is loaded this year. As a fifteen-year veteran of the “soccer mom syndrome,”--in my case the basketball, swimming, and equestrian mom syndrome--I found myself adrift when my son’s North Mecklenburg varsity basketball season closed down. Where would my husband and I go on Tuesday and Friday nights? 

What could be our excuse for a dusty home and a weed patched lawn? In those thoughts was the larger issue, what will we do when our third of three children goes off to college next year, and there are no more games to attend?

I try not to live my life as a cliché, but I’ve found myself stuck right in the middle of one. With only one more year to go to games, I wonder who am I going to be and what I will do when there are no more basketball runs. 

I am excited about having more time for my husband, fiction writing, and native North Carolina gardening. I’ve begun to volunteer more, and I already spend a good deal of time dedicated to my job. We will certainly go to some North Mecklenburg home games even when my son is no longer playing there, but life will be different. 

Ahead is how this home will feel without the nothing-like-it intensity of packs of teenage boys and girls chatting, singing along to music, eating more food than seems humanly possible, and making the kind of noise that only adolescents have down to an art. 

On the other hand, quiet is a remarkable entity that will exist in this home in the near future. There’s also the fact that I teach at a college. I never lack the energy and exuberance of adolescents in my life. 

In a recent article in the Charlotte Observer entitled, “Cancer Doesn’t Stop Most Patients From Living,” Dr. Gary Frenette states, “Attitude is 90% of how you’re going to do…Sometimes, it’s a blessing to know you’re terminal. People make decisions about how to live. They take the time to do the things that are important.”

I’m certainly not equating having your children leave home to terminal cancer. Watching children grow up is a remarkable thing, particularly if they make plans to go to college or other life enhancing places. However, the comment about being positive and making decisions about how to live life arises at the intersection of every ending and beginning. 

As our family makes its transition, I hope we will bring a good attitude and conscious planning to our next stages. As every coach says, “Where there is one game, there is always another.”